Vince Young, a Solution for Every Situation

Brad Lidge messed up another 9^th inning last night against the Reds as the Astros lost 8-4. This got me thinking, should the Astros trade Lidge and bring in another hitter or pitcher, or should they simply look to trade for another piece?

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Astros should trade Brad Lidge, Morgan Ensberg, Troy Patton, Matt Albers and Tim Purpura for Vince Young. Yes Vince Young. He will solve every problem for the struggling Astros. He will provide clutch hitting and clutch pitching. He will run out every routine grounder and make doubles into triples with his blazing speed. He is the second coming of, sorry, he is the FIRST coming of Vince Young in the MLB. The Astros do not even have to field 9 guys anymore, Vince can play pitcher and center field. Vince Young is the solution for all problems.

Yesterday, the Titans signed Vince to a five year, sixth year optional, about $58 million deal with $26.5 million guaranteed. The Titans gave Vince first pick money as the No. 3 pick. Beat that Reggie Bush. Vince is the solution for the Titans future.

The Knicks should trade Stephon Marbury, Jalen Rose, Steve Francis, Isiah Thomas, Nate “24 attempts” Robinson and three up and coming concession stand workers to the Titans for Vince Young. All Vince needs is Channing Frye on his team to win the NBA Title. I would hate to be any player trying to guard Vince Young. I can see it now, 4^th quarter, the Knicks are down by 2 with five seconds left and Vince has the ball. You know its going in. It’s going in, all the way to an undefeated season.

President Bush is having some problems with, well everything. Instead of keeping “One Shot” Dick around, President Bush needs to appoint Vince as his new Vice President. His approval ratings will go from crap to 98%, plus minus two percent for people voting in California and Oklahoma. Vince will solve all the issues that are driving this world to war.

Vince: Come on yall, we don’t need to do this. Why don’t yall come back to Auuuuuustin and we can kick it with my boy Sleeeem Thugggg.

(translation for those who are not familiar with Vince talk: Hello respected delegates, we must solve these pressing issues that are driving the world to insanity. How about we take the next flight out to the city of Austin, Texas and solve these problems over dinner with my friend Slim Thug. We will have a delightful time and shall succeed in solving all of our differences. )

World Wide Diplomats: We agree, that sounds riveting.

(translation: holla)

Vince is the solution to all the world wide problems. World hunger you say? Well that $58 million can buy a lot of double cheeseburgers.

Al-Qaida called for a holy war against Israel yesterday, I say we put Al-Qaida and Israel on one team and let them fight Vince. I mean, if the greatest NCAA football team of all time could not catch Vince, do you think a bunch of guys with guns could?

Over the last few weeks, California has been going through some energy crisis. The state of California should trade the City of San Diego, the MTV show Laguna Beach, the Fox show The O.C. and the cast of Beverly Hills 90210 to the Titans for Vince Young. Just strap all the power lines onto Young and his energy will power your whole state.

Vince Young really is the solution for everything. The other day I could not find my car keys so I thought to myself, what would Vince do? I decided to run to work and along the way, I broke through every car that tried to hit me.

If you are reading this column and thinking, “wow this guy is such a Vince homer”, then you are right. I am not going to lie; I will always be a Vince homer. I watched the guy over come a lot of obstacles, on and off the football field, since he came to UT. If Vince really were given any of the positions listed above, I would not count him out of helping that organization succeeding in whatever they need to. If every person who has a chance to make a difference in the world had an outlook like Vince, the world would be a better place. That outlook is the do whatever it takes to win by preparing and working your ass off to achieve the ultimate goal but at the same time keep a humble head on your shoulder that allows you to enjoy the little things in life outlook. Even if Vince is a total bust in the NFL, which he won’t be, he will always be the solution to everything.